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There are additional questions you should ask yourself when you are looking at specific choices you can make, rather than your feelings in general, that can help you to decide whether or not a boundary needs to be set.

The following questions can help you to clarify your boundaries in specific situations, and navigate through future ones:

If nobody would be disappointed, would you prefer to say yes or no?

: Looking at all the benefits and costs of this situation (both tangible and intangible), is it worth the effort to say yes?

• Would you feel comfortable posing the same request to someone else?
• If people would be upset with you if you said no, do you truly feel that they are coming from a respectful, reasonable place? (And, if not, might it be time to start setting some limits?)
• Is this a precedent you want to set? (And, if not, where would be a reasonable place to draw the line?)
• Think of someone you feel has very healthy boundaries— the kind you would like to emulate. How do you think they would respond in this situation?

Once you’ve determined how you are feeling, you can decide if you do indeed wish to set a boundary. In a perfect world, once we are aware of where our personal comfort zones lie, we need simply to communicate that information to others, and a relationship boundary is set.

However, quite often in the real world, boundary-setting involves some negotiation, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. People have boundaries of their own that may not match, and they may push for greater distance or closeness for their own reasons.

Changing boundaries from the status quo can also cause people to react by trying to reinforce the previous or existing boundaries, sometimes in ways that make us uncomfortable. In this way, setting boundaries can be a struggle.

Because we need to think of our own needs as well as the needs and reactions of others, it’s important to be circumspect in setting boundaries.

The questions you ask yourself when discovering where your personal boundaries lie are different from the questions you may ask yourself when deciding where to actually set your boundaries.

When you set your boundaries in specific situations, you need to take into account practical factors like the “cost” of setting boundaries. They also allow you to be clear on issues such as guilt (should you feel guilty?) and motivation (is it worth it?), so you can move forward with the least amount of stress.